It’s been a tough winter. For some reason this year the cold has seemed to have seeped into my bones and made a home. And no, I don’t take comfort in others having it worse, or living in colder states. That’s not what this is about.
I have been drowning inside of my own body.
Before I get too much into my feelings, a small disclaimer and basic explanation of what I’m now using this site for:
I hate posting these things on social media because I get a bunch of “hang in theres!” and sympathy. I don’t want that shit. I don’t share myself for any of that. I don’t need reassurance or a damn virtual hug. I have been living with these feelings for as long as I can remember and I don’t share them for me.
I share because there is always someone out there feeling similarly and feeling alone as hell in that. This person could feel like everyone around them is just killing it day in and day out and they don’t understand why they don’t even have the will to get out of bed. Maybe this person will see me get up every day whether I feel like it or not. Some days I just exist. Some days I’m actively crushing it. But regardless of what kind of day it is, I carry this emptiness around like sack of weights. It’s shitty, it’s awkward and it never feels good.
I don’t feel the need to share my personal feelings with the world or my social media friends. I don’t give a crap to be honest. I don’t need to “let it out” or “vent.” I don’t feel obligated to either. But I do love to write and I feel like I’ve been missing that lately.
So this is why you are reading these things here, on my site. I want to share my ups and downs. Because I’m hoping to grow a readership of different kinds people who need hope. Maybe you have a mental illness you feel cripples you day to day. Maybe you’re a business owner that needs to see someone else’s struggles and accomplishments to make sense of your own. Maybe you are on a fitness journey and are sick of the fake Instagram bullshit bobbleheads that subliminally tell you that you’re not good enough. Whatever it is, maybe you can find what you need here– and I am here for you.
So anyway, if you made it this far, I’m going to assume that you’re either one of those people above, or at least someone interested in my thoughts/feelings but smart enough to understand what’s going on here.
So I came back from Africa at the end of August, ready to hit the ground running with my fitness, and I did. I was dedicated and consistent right up until my Costa Rica trip, but something changed when I got back. I struggled. I wasn’t able to get back in the groove. I started to slip with fitness. As the cold air set in, I slipped harder. I couldn’t get it together. I couldn’t be consistent and I started to feel lost. And sad.
I have a garage gym and when it’s cold, I simply don’t want to train. If I force myself to– I don’t feel all happy I did it. I feel resentful that I just froze my ass off. So for the past few months I have been allowing myself to skip the gym. There has been a week here and there that the weather was nice and I took advantage of it. This week we had a couple of okay days, so I went out there and trained.
There are people who mean well that have told me what I already know: “But you have to make time to take care of yourself!” What they don’t understand, and what I’ve come to realize is that this IS me taking care of myself. I’m not in the beginning stages of a fitness journey. There is no risk of me quitting and not coming back or even of “letting myself go.” I am keeping my nutrition in check, not feeling guilty about any damn decision I make and generally keeping my thumb on the pulse of this whole situation.
Fitness is a huge part of my life. I do genuinely love it, which is why I’m not going to force it on myself if it doesn’t feel right. I want to want to train and the weather warming up will help with that.
Self-care looks different for everyone. To some, it may look like I’m not taking care of myself at all, but I am and despite how shitty I feel in general, I feel good about this. Next year though, I’m going to take some steps to hopefully prevent or at least limit this from happening again. Once the weather turns I’ll be getting a gym membership, and possibly a SAD lamp.