I guess if I’m going to give you guys insight as to where I am right now, I’ll need to give you a brief catch up of what’s been going on with me mentally and emotionally the last year or so.
August 2017 – Spent month in Tanzania, Africa. Worked on myself hard. Left with so much gratitude and perspective.
Sept-Oct 2017- Came back and hit my nutrition & training with a vengeance. Felt amazing.
Nov-Dec 2017- Returned from a trip to Costa Rica. Fell into a depression, went to the gym less and less.
Jan-March 2018- Circling the drain. Felt like I was both on fire and drowning. Hanging from a thread. Found out my dog has cancer. My sister almost dies. Let go of thread and nutrition Mid-March.
April 2018- Had final surgery to feel like a normal human with my breasts
May-June 2018- Recovering from surgery, not feeling as horrible mentally
July-August 2018- Got back to training and some nutrition halfheartedly
End of August 2018- My dog dies and my mother has mental breakdown in front of my eyes. Earth shattering realizations about the truth of my life and childhood come crashing in.
And so, here we are. I realized (several months too late) that I have been on autopilot with my self-care, and that my past and current ways of managing my mental health issues– aren’t working. Seeing my mother in the state she was in, shined a great big giant light on my own shit.
What the hell are YOU doing, Chrystal?
I immediately got a referral for a therapist and brought my husband along with me for my first appointment. I want him involved enough in my care so that he can hold me accountable, and so that he will know how to help me when I start to unravel. It seemed like a good place to start.
It was like I woke up after almost a year of being asleep. Like a great big alarm had been going off for the last 10 months and I was just now hearing it. And now that I hear it, I am unable to ignore it. Honestly, I don’t want to ignore it. We are at red-level critical over here and not quite sure how I made it this far. I have been putting band-aids on my mental disorders and expecting them to just magically go away. But, there is no amount of melatonin or CBD oil that can cut to the root of these issues, I have to go beyond self-management, I have to do better.
Autopilot is NOT okay for me. It’s not okay for anyone. We can’t just just coast through life with our eyes on the next thing. We can’t accept “busy” in exchange for self-care.
I’m excited you’re all here and to share my journey to all around health with you guys. Next week I’ll share how I am reworking my lifestyle to fit where I’m at now and how I am working towards where I want to be.
With hugs & self-love,
Read the next installment of Self-Love Sunday here.