There was a morning I woke up this month and felt amazing. I felt fit. I felt sexy. I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. I hopped on the scale and noted the number but wasn’t bothered by it. Then I went to put on a pair of jeans and immediately all that sort of fell to shit. Still on the top side of fitting into my clothes.
I thought for a moment what bullshit it was to feel so good and then clothes, the thing that I have created a brand and movement with, could piss me off so much.
I sort of laughed it off and told myself it’s only temporary, because it is. That it’s possible to feel both great about myself and not be where I want to be–because it is. And then I moved on with my day.
I honestly didn’t think about my body for the rest of the day, but what I did do was eat take out 3 times. Literally every meal I ate. Granted 2 of those meals were out of convenience but I know I could have cut that down to one small meal and prepped the rest at home.
This is not new. In March I felt and looked amazing and the day after a photoshoot I faceplanted into ALL THE FOOD and here I am now. Every time I have brushed the threshold of where I’ve wanted to be, I have turned around and run full sprint in the opposite direction.
I have asked myself why I do this. Am I afraid of success? Do I not truly believe I deserve these things? Do I just want to constantly challenge myself by making everything harder?
I wish I knew the answer.
In my first therapy session, my therapist told me to set two goals for our time together. The first one is getting a strong grip on and a plan of attack for my mental illnesses, the other is to figure out why I self-sabotage and how I can stop doing this to myself.
I’m tired you guys. Tired of the constant yo-yo and feeling like I’m not good enough. I feel for those of you who are going through the same. We deserve better from ourselves.
Big hugs & self-love sprinkles,
Read the next installment of Self-Love Sunday here.