I have started this email 3 times and deleted it halfway through each time. It’s the night before I send this thing out and this is the first time since I started doing this more than 2 months ago, that I feel like I’ve got nothing.
I wanted to talk to you about fighting to stay unworthy, or about my feelings surrounding the holidays. Neither of those things felt right. I might still need to do some processing there.
Maybe I just need to tell you I’m not okay. I was far less okay last week than I am now, but I’m still not okay. I spent a whole day in a very dark hole, allowing my mind to go places it hasn’t in awhile and the overwhelming amount of pain I felt was beyond unbearable. My husband couldn’t understand why I didn’t just ask him to stay home, why I didn’t tell him how bad of a place I was in.
I didn’t know, I just couldn’t. I wanted him to want to to stay home rather than run off and do his hobbies and not have to ask him to. But I do a great job of seeming okay to him and he had no idea that I’d hit a critical level.
I got my shit together the next day, showered, did some things I needed to, but the thread I had been clinging to the day before was very present in my mind. It’s times like that I really battle with wanting to fight it. Giving up entirely is so tempting. I could just stay in bed all day and fade away, but there is something still inside me that won’t allow me to do that.
I’m grateful for that little spark. I cling to that little spark. I build my hopes and dreams and future and passions and plans on that little spark.
Do you have any idea how easy it would be to not share this with you? Do you know that I could just continue to be my high-functioning self and the world wouldn’t have a clue about any of this? How I could post photos on Instagram and funny updates on Facebook and you’d be none the wiser of how dead inside I feel far too often?
So why am I sharing? Two reasons:
1. Accountability. There are certain arenas in life where I know I need to tell on myself to stay on the straight & narrow. Mental health has become one of them. THIS is self-love.
2. If you even remotely feel the same way I hope me pulling back the sparkle and showing you what’s underneath not only shows you that you are not alone, but that you can fucking do anything– because I sure as hell can, and if I can, you can. I want you to see when things seem like they are blowing up for me, that it did not come easy. I want you all to know the real story and I’m grateful you will.
I truly believe it’s darkest before the dawn and something big is on the horizon. I am no longer going to hide or play small with myself. I am working on laying the foundation for bigger things. It’s that little spark that’s responsible. I could’t ignore it even if I wanted to.
Before I go, please know that if you find yourself in a similar hole, I am here for you. You are not alone girlfrand, and you will always have a friend in me.
Hearts, hugs & ‘good game’ butt slaps,
Read the next installment of Self-Love Sunday here.