Chaos Theory – Self Love Sunday – v18

Chaos Theory – Self Love Sunday – v18

Chaos Theory

It was only in the last couple years that I began to intentionally trim down all the projects, businesses and extracurriculars I was involved in. Pretty much if someone asked me to do something and it sounded cool, fun or had income potential, I was game.

“Want to start a podcast?” Sure!
“Want to be president of this organization’s chapter?” I’d love to!
“Want to join this club/band/group/etc???” Yeah!

Only I don’t do things halfway. I plan them out. I am methodical. I zoom way out to look at the big picture, the potential and where I want it to go or the impact I want it to make. I do not think small. I both think and play big. Which ultimately can spread me way, way thin.

At one point, I decided I had to stop accepting outside offers. No more partners or co-creators. No more jumping into someone else’s project headfirst and loving it as though it were my own child. I knew I had to stop spreading myself so thin, so I limited myself to projects within or related to my business and personal passions.

I told myself it was part of my nature, I thrive in chaos.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that by giving so many things focus, even with keeping them ‘internal,’ I was unable to really give my best effort to what I had invested the most time, money, energy, blood, sweat and tears into. It caused me a lot of anxiety to have so much going on at once, it wasn’t healthy for me and I knew it was up to me to change it. So again, I started to remove the things that were stretching my focus too far.

Now I can be a part of a group or organization, but not at the helm. I can pop in and help someone with a project but I’m not married to it. I can say “no” to the things that I know won’t truly serve me.

All of this not only took a lot of time, but it took a lot of self-awareness and work. I certainly still have a lot to work on and I will always have at least a few things going on at once, but I have made a commitment to my mental health that I don’t intend to break.

I realized just a few weeks ago, I had been lying to myself. I don’t thrive in chaos — I’m addicted to it. That realization put a lot into perspective for me, and I wonder how many women are running around out there drowning in the chaos they create for themselves. I wonder how many of them feel exhilarated by it but also like an anxious wreck. I wonder if they too believe they are thriving in the midst of it all. I wonder how many of them need to stop, take a look in the mirror and tell themselves they are enough, just them, without all of that.

I wonder.

Big love my friends,
Chrystal Rose

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