Friendship is Hard
I am such a high functioning person I don’t always stop to feel things. I have also been through so much horror in my life that feeling things sometimes has to be forced on me. Part of the reason why I love emotional TV shows because otherwise I feel like I get emotionally constipated.
Anyhow, last week I burst into tears and it surprised me. I had gone to an event to celebrate a dear friend of mine. She has been making big strides in her business and when faced with uncertainty or needing answers– she’s been calling me. As busy as I am, I always make time for my friends and was honored she trusts me and my knowledge so much.
So we are at her event and she goes to make a little speech. She starts to call people out and acknowledge them. Her best friend, her parents and then a couple of others who have helped her with her business. A little bit of anxiety began to grow in my stomach (as it always does when I am spoken to in a group setting) and then just like that, without mentioning me, she moved on.
Now, I don’t help my friends to get public acknowledgement but I thought since she was doing it, she’d definitely acknowledge me and the help I had been giving her. But she didn’t. I stayed a little longer, congratulated her and went home.
Lying in bed watching TV, I suddenly burst into tears. Was this one of those cases where I believed I was better friends with someone than I actually was? I began to think back on my closest female friendships that fizzled without much fanfare because they were only built on the surface. And then to the last woman I actually called my best friend which fell apart. It felt horrible to think about.
My female friendships tend to be one extreme or the other. Super superficially close or deep and intense (which were fewer and further in between). The superficial ones weren’t built on much besides working together or partying together, so when my priorities changed, it made sense they would end. There were also people I discovered were narcissistic and/or toxic and so I ended those as quickly as I realized.
When it comes to the deeper friendships, I wondered if I drove them away. I am an intense person, with a high EQ and a “pusher.” I can’t help but to push people around me to do better and to be better. Most people aren’t ready for that. Hell pretty much everyone resists, but the men around me respond so much differently. They tend to take it in and level up. I think women tend to take it more personally, when really I just love them and want to see them shine.
I began to wonder if I am incapable of having deep connections with most women because of my relationship with my mother. In fact I am almost positive that is the case. Something I definitely feel like I now need to explore.
It also doesn’t help in the friendship department when you are a business owner and work alllll theeee timeeee.
All this stemmed from a friend not mentioning me during a 3 minute non-speech. I haven’t brought it up to her that it hurt my feelings because this is NOT her shit, it’s 100% mine. I believe it was a good thing because it made me start to think about something I am truly wanting– deep, true, emotionally equal friendships with women.
Needless to say I’ll be unpacking this soon with my therapist haha.
Love and hugs,
Read the next installment of Self-Love Sunday here.