Is it Really Gone?
FIRST before I get to it– yes, I have dyed my hair back to my (somewhat) natural color. I have just been craving it lately. There was once a girl that really needed the blonde to express who she was. But I am no longer that girl. I am so far really enjoying it and just feel so ME.
Anyhow, I want to readdress the subject of self-sabotage. I think I might have genuinely given it up. I talk a lot about how you can’t know that you’ve changed until you have been faced with the same or similar circumstances. And rather than picking the same freaking path you always do– you slap your old behaviors in the face and choose the other, healthier option.
I think I might have done that.
The main way I self-sabotage is with my body. After all, it is the closest thing to me and something I have never been able to go 100% with. While yes, I care more about my health these days, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you I don’t care about how I look. That would be bullshit. (Yes, I know I look great right now, it’s not about that.)
There have been times it has been the only thing I cared about and I would do whatever unhealthy thing it took to look the way I wanted. But that never even worked. And there have been times I just said fuck it as I fell off a mental cliff and let nutrition and training go right along with it. That just made me feel even worse later, and like I dug myself a hole. Which to be honest, I kinda did.
Now here I am, 4 months out from an injury/tweak that normally would have taken me down to the land of fuck-its. Instead, I have been mindful of my injury in my training and simply modified rather than abandoning ship. I have been dedicated yet flexible with my diet. I have allowed myself to have ebb and flow mentally when it comes to how I look or how I feel. There have been some sticking points, but I have come out victorious and in control each time.
It is new. Almost…weird. I was conscious of this the other day and stopped to look at myself in the mirror. I pointed to the girl who looked back at me and I said, “You deserve for me to see this through. You deserve to see yourself the way you have always wanted to.”
Like I said, I know I look great right now. But there is something I need to see for myself. A place I need to work towards that I deserve to achieve. There’s nothing I want to ‘fix.’ There’s no particular weight, body fat percentage or measurement that will mark when I have arrived. I will just know.
And for once, I trust that I truly will.
Read the next installment of Self-Love Sunday here.